A short, game ruining solution V1.0 (Acts 1 to 3)

Act 1

To start off, have a good old chat with the short pirate dude. Make sure you get the pirate literature and then mock his ass off. He’ll soon break down and his hook’ll fall off. Pilfer it. Now pinch the ramrod off the wall and use the hook with it. Use the cannon. Having blasted the filthy undead scum from the waters, poke your head out the window and have a chat with the skull. Use the gaff (hook and ramrod) on the arm floating about and then on Murray (the skull) to knock him into the water. Now wander back and use the newly aquired cutlass with the cannon rope to unsecure it from the wall. Fire the cannon and watch the ensuing cut scene.

Finding yourself in the treasure hold, you will find a veritable plethora of items to examine and laugh at, but the only important one is the bag of wooden nickels. Pick them up to reveal a huge diamond ring. Pick this up to and use it on the porthole to cut the glass. You should now find yourself watching another cut sequence.

Dang and blast it, you get the girl, you lose the girl. Ain’t life a bitch? Now then, stop panicing and realise that this is in fact a key part of the plot (what else are they gonna right a second sequel about?). Pick up the burnt ember from the pile of wreckage close to you. Walk off to your right and examine the voodoo markings. These are, in fact, a pointless marker but hey, who cares, it’s atmospheric, right? Now walk off the screen and walk to the mysterious looking grey bit in the middle of the island which should turn out to be a strange voodoo-ised wrecked ship with Murray the skull sitting on the gate. Have a chat with Murray and then venture inside. Pick up the pin from the voodoo doll on the floor (try using this, the skeletal arm or the burnt ember on the voodoo doll for something to laugh at...). Pick up the glue. Use the wooden nickels with the gum machine and chew some of the gum. Pull the tongue of the crocodile to summon a familiar character from the other two games. Talk to her about everything to receive most of the information you’re gonna need.

Wander into the town and talk to the kid with the lemonade to discover a con-artist at work. Take note of his ‘bottomless mug’ policy and head off towards the centre of town. Walk through the side door of the theatre and pick up the magic wand from the desk. Use it on the magic hat to gain the book on ventriloquism. Now examine the pirate coat and pick up the dandruff and the glove. Examine the trunk and the sticker about Blood Island. Walk to your right, onto the stage and talk to the ‘Thespian’. He will inform you that his agent was responsible for his booking on Blood Island and can be found at the Beach Club. For a little more comedy, use the ventriloquism book on either Slappy Cromwell or the Pirate in a dress. Now exit the theatre and walk down the town steps to the ‘Barbery Coast’ barbers shop. Have a good look around and chat with everybody you can. Now use the lice you have with the barbers comb when he puts it down on the table. This should get rid of Captain Rottingham and allow you to sit in the chair. Raise the chair once using the handle at the side of it and ‘use’ the paperweight to kick it. Haggis will leave to find a new one and allow you to raise the chair high enough to grab the scissors from the ceiling. Now that you have these, use the glove on the tall thin Pirate at the back of the shop to initiate a fight.

The Pirate will ask you to select your weapon. Close the pistol case and click on the Banjo case behind it. This will start "THE DUELING BANJO’S". Watch him carefully and note down the sequence of single notes he plays (ie. 2nd string, 3rd string, 4th string etc. it’s random, so this isn’t the right sequence) between bursts of genius and click the same strings when Guybrush stops. Continue this until the Pirate starts trying to be the Jimi Hendrix of the Banjo world, at which point you should re-open the pistol case, remove the pistol, and blow the banjo to hell. Well done, you now have ONE crew member.

Return to the bush in town that bars your way to Danjer Cove. Use the scissors on the flower at the top and then use the scissors on the rest of the vines. Examine the sign to be swallowed by the snake. Pick up everything you can inside the snake and use the pancake syrup with the ipecot flower. Give the resulting syrup to the snakes head and he’ll spit you out. Now finding yourself in quicksand (and probably laughing at the swiftly sinking chicken) use the thorn bush to obtain the thorn. Use the thorn with a reed you get from the reeds nearby. Now use the paperweight with the helium balloons and blow it over the branch. Use the newly constructed pea-shooter with the balloon and use the vine to swing to safety.

Examine the boat on the beach to discover a gaping hole and head back to town. Wander into the chicken resaurant and Guybrush will show the reservation slip that was found in the snake. Pick up a biscuit from the biscuit bin and eat it. Now wander over to the table and push the quiet patron. Pick up the knife and the jug and use the maggots on the chicken. Pick up the club card and talk to Cap’n Yellowbeard. Pick up the biscuit cutter and the pan before you leave.

Go back to the field of competition and walk up to the grassy knoll. Use the serated knife with the sawhorse and then use the burnt ember with the trail of rum. Before you leave, use the biscuit cutter with the other rubber tree. Return to the barbers and slap the guy kneeling down on the back twice. Pick up the gobstopper he nearly choked on. Talk to Haggis again and challenge him to a game of caper tossing. Guybrush will now win easily due to the fact that his caper is made of rubber and bounces off into the distance. Well done, you now have TWO crew members.

Wander back to the chicken restaurant and give the Cap’n yer gobstopper. Now give him some gum and use the pin to pop the bubble he blows. Pick up his golden tooth and use it in the chewed gum you’ve been carrying for oh so long. Now inhale helium from the balloon and chew the gum. The bubble should float out the window, allowing you to escape the clutches of the good Captain without incriminating evidence. When you get outside, use the pan with muddy puddle to obtain the tooth. Go back to the barbers and show the tooth to the kneeling Pirate and gain your final crew member.

Go to the Cabana and show your club card, then pick up a towel, dip it in the ice water and use it on the Cabana boy. Laugh evily and then pick up the cooking oil. Pick up two more towels and dip them in the water also (you should have three moist towels now). Wander onto the beach and use the towels with the burning hot sand. Pick up the mug. Talk to the sunbather and ask him about Blood island. Now go back to the dye vats next to Kenny’s Lemonade desk and fill the jug with dye. Swap the new mug with Kenny’s bottomless one and ruin the little urchin’s money spinner. Carry the bottomless mug back to the Palido (sunbather) and place it back on his belly. Pour the dye into it and talk to Palido to tell him to roll over. Now use the oil on his back and peel off the map.

Return to Danjer Cove and use the glue with the rubber bung you cut out of the rubber tree. Use the newly pastey cork with the hole in the boat. Use the boat and head out to the Galleon. Head up onto the deck and get captured and walk the plank. Use the bread knife on the plank and go back on deck again. Try to open the door and you’ll be tarred and feathered. Head back inland and enter the chicken restaurant. Speak in spanish and you’ll find yourself on board the Sea Cucumber again. Use the ventriloquists book on the Captain (The Gorilla) and grab the map when the mad bloke leaves. Return to the theatre and go up to use the lights. Switch on the handle and then use the treasure map to work out the code. X marks the spot. Use the chicken grease (that you got from the big vat you were in earlier on the Sea Cucumber) on the cannon balls that have appeared back stage. Watch as Slappy screws up and then head out and dig up Elaine.

Sail away into the horizon.

This act is pretty straight forward. You must gain as many insults as possible by attacking the various pirate ships (hunted down via the navigational charts). You can, at some point, chose easy or difficult sea battles.

To defeat Captain Rottingham, you must make sure your hold is full of bounty and head back to the port. Buy the biggest cannon (the one Rottingham has) from Kenny and head back out. Attack Rottingham and regain the map. By the way, the song thing is completely pointless and I think is probably just a gratuatous joke. But hey, it’s damn funny whatever.

PART IV: THE BARTENDER, THE THIEVES, HIS AUNT AND HER LOVER

Looks like your on your own now. Pick up the BOTTLE in the sand. Examine it in inventory (it’s shaving cream) and use the parrot icon on it to open it to get the CORK. Try to take the lotion, then talk with Haggis about the lotion twice: you’ll find out he’s out of tar, and will trade the lotion for anything of the same consistency. Leave the shipwreck area and head up the hill to the clearing. Nothing to do here yet: just examine Elaine and the fireflies for future reference. Now go to the hotel (the large building on the hill). Walk onto the patio and examine the cooking pot, barbecue and billboard. Head indoors to the bar and examine the fork in the nacho cheese: the cheese’s properties are remarkably tar-like. Open the door in the back and enter. Examine the cheese: we’ll have to wait until later to get some.

Take the REFRIGERATOR MAGNET, examine the file cabinet and then leave. Head over to the fortune teller and examine the plaque on the table. Talk to her and keep repeatedly asking her to read your future until she’s revealed 5 tarot cards, calls you a demon and won’t talk to you anymore. Take the TAROT CARDS, then head over to the bar. Pick up the RECIPE BOOK next to the pickles and the far left barstool CUSHION. Also take the BROCHURES: you don’t have to, but they foreshadow coming events if you examine them in inventory. Try talking to the bartender: he needs something to clear his head. Go into inventory to examine and read through the recipe book, paying careful attention to pages 8 and 9. Here is the recipe for a hangover remedy--Head-B-Clear--and after that one a recipe for disaster which will be useful later. You need to get an egg, pepper, and the hair of the dog that bit you. You’ll wait until later to go upstairs: for now just leave the hotel and head for the cemetery. Aside from glancing at the tomb and crypt, head left a screen.

Pick up the MALLET and the CHISEL. Also pick up the SMELLY DOG HAIR from the dog. He hasn’t bitten yet, so offer him the maggot infested biscuit. Chomp! That took care of that technicality. Leave the cemetery and head for the beach (the area with the colonnade). Walk to the right. To get the egg, use the cushion on the rocks, and then the mallet on the rubber tree. Now you have the EGG. Examine the weathered sign and then leave the beach. Go to the lighthouse and examine the mirror: it’s broken and needs to be replaced. A lantern is also missing. Click on the down arrow to leave, then head over to the windmill on the hill. Try opening the door (it’s locked) and grabbing the windmill blades (you can’t get a grip). We’ll have to come back to this location later for the barrel. For now simply pick up the PEPPER from the pepper bush. Leave the windmill and head up to the strange lights near the volcano. Walk to the right through the village and take the BLOCK OF TOFU. I know that you’ve probably never had the desire to do this in the past, but trust me. Then pick up the AUGER and the MEASURING CUP. Continue to the right and then up towards the volcano. Talk thoroughly with the islander (Lemonhead), until he describes the appearance of the featured guest that hasn’t shown up yet. Lactose- intolerant volcano god? Of course this means we’ll have to give him indigestion eventually. Leave to the bottom left and exit the village. It’s time to head back to the hotel to give the bartender his remedy. Go into the bar, but before you give him the items go into the back room and use the chisel on the wheel of cheese to get some NACHO CHEESE. Then return and give the egg, dog hair and pepper to the bartender (one after another: he’ll do the mixing). Now that he’s willing to talk to you, talk thoroughly to Goodsoup and you’ll learn about some very important things:

1. That the hotel business is suffering for the lack of volcano activity
2. About the guest that never checked out, who haunted the room and was locked in
3. That the ring is in the Goodsoup family crypt with his Aunt, whereas the diamond is on Skull Island

While you’re talking ask Goodsoup for the fruity drink with the UMBRELLA. Go ahead and drink the fruity drink. Pick up the EMPTY JAR. Go left and upstairs. Open the first door to go in. Examine the porthole, then use the mallet on the nail in the wall. Open the door to exit. Examine then take the PORTRAIT: Guybrush will get rid of the frame. Pick up the NAIL. Try to open the right door: it’s locked, just as Goodsoup said. Leave the upstairs and return to the bar. Try to take the mirror and then go upstairs: Goodsoup will catch you. How to create the illusion of there being a mirror when there isn’t one? Go into inventory and use the scissors on the portrait. Take the MIRROR and then use the portrait face you cut out on the mirror frame. The illusion is complete, so leave the hotel.

Now that we’re better fortified by inventory items head over to the windmill. Use the umbrella on the windmill blades to get a ride to the barrel. Examine the barrel: sugar water. Exactly what insects love. Use the empty jar on the barrel to fill it with sugar water. Use the doorway to the right to exit the windmill and leave. Head up to the village: it’s time to try out the ceremony. You need to look like one of them to get in then. They have giant vegetables for heads. Be creative and use the block of tofu instead. Go into inventory and sculpt the tofu with the chisel to make a mask: Martha Stewart would be proud (although I don’t recall seeing "Tofu Masks For the Holidays" in "Living"). Put on the tofu mask by using the hand icon on the mask in inventory. Now head up to the volcano. You need only start to talk to Lemonhead and he will usher you up to the precipice over the volcano. After the ceremony simply use the nacho cheese on the seething caldera (i.e. the lava). Now head over to the hotel and go to the barbecue. Use the remaining nacho cheese on the cooking pot, then use the hand icon on the cooking pot to pick it up and take it to the shipwreck in lieu of tar. Now you can pick up the LOTION. Use the measuring cup on the sea-water, then leave the area and head for the clearing. Use the lotion on the diamond ring, then pull it off. It explodes, so it has no use other than to clear the way for the new ring. Now it’s time to catch some fireflies.

Go into inventory and use the auger on the jar lid before you capture the fireflies. Innocent firefly lives will be lost from suffocation if you don’t. Use the jar on the fireflies, then use the hole-punched lid on the jar to capture them. You have a LANTERN. Leave and go to the lighthouse. Use the lantern on the lantern post, then the mirror on the broken mirror. The lighthouse finally works! Remember the story of the Welsh Ferryman who was lost in the mists? Go down to the beach next and talk to him. Ask him if he’ll take you to Skull Island: he won’t unless you get him a compass. In inventory do the following: use the refrigerator magnet on the pin, use the magnetized pin on the cork, then use the cork on the measuring cup full of sea-water. You now have a compass, so give it to him. You don’t want to go to Skull Island just yet, so leave knowing he’ll be waiting there whenever you’re ready to go. Go to the cemetery and down a screen, then look through the crack between the door. Talk through the crack in the door. Mort will tell you the only way to get into the crypt is to drop dead. It’s time to do some serious dying--you need to get into that crypt--so head back to the hotel and order a drink. In inventory use the chisel on the Head-B-Clear bottle to open it and then use the bottle on the drink. Drink the spiked drink: you’ll have exactly the safe coma-that-looks- like-death that you were hoping for. In the tomb (after the credits reverse) use the chisel on the lower right coffin to open it and get out. Even though you hear knocking go ahead and pick up the COFFIN NAILS from your coffin: Stan’s waited a long time to get out, so he can wait a bit longer.

Now use the chisel on the center coffin to let Stan out. After he talks and gives you his BUSINESS CARD you can leave: it will take a while for him to set up shop as an insurance agent. Go back to the hotel and talk to Goodsoup, asking why you weren’t buried in the family crypt. Pretend to be his long lost nephew, Wonton Goodsoup, but your looks will give you away. Head upstairs and go over to the right door. Do what any accomplished lock-picker would do: use Stan’s laminated business card on the door to open it. You can examine the night stand and wardrobe, but there’s no use for them. Pull down the Murphy bed: notice that if you try to take the book the bed will flip back up. While you have it down examine the book: you’ll probably need it to fully prove your Goodsoup heritage. To keep the bed down use the both the nail and the coffin nails on the bed: you’ll need all of them to keep it down. Pick up the GOODSOUP HISTORY BOOK. After a quick examination of the skeleton leave the room. Next you need to prove you are a Goodsoup. Waste not, want not holds true in this case: you now have a use for the rest of the portrait that you cut the face from. Use the portrait on the left door, open the door to go inside, then look through the porthole. You’ve proved your Goodsoup looks, so go downstairs and finish off the illusion by discussing Goodsoup history with your new Uncle. Now that you’re a Goodsoup and will have to die again to get into the crypt anyway, you might as well get some money from it. Besides, what smuggler would give up a huge diamond for free?Go to the cemetery and into Mutual of Stan’s. Ask for life insurance and use the pirate’s gold tooth as payment: you will get the LIFE INSURANCE. Go back to the hotel and the bar. Order a drink, spike it with Head-B-Clear and drink it. Now you will end up in the crypt. For fun examine the crumbling hole in the ceiling: it won’t get you anywhere, but it sure brings back memories. Then head to the left until you meet the ghost. Talk to her thoroughly. You’ll learn that:

1. The one other suitor besides LeChuck that she found attractive was the one who never checked out of the hotel.

2. She needs to marry before Guybrush can get the ring.

Head further to the left and pick up the CROWBAR in the coffin. What are those laughs? Walk towards the crack by going around the right side of the coffin to find out. Murray! For once he might be useful, so pick MURRAY up. Now look through the crack and talk to Mort. For fun use every option before finally announcing your "web of deceit" and then choose the angry ghost option last. After a few futile attempts to scare Mort, retreat to sulk. While you are still looking into Mort’s room go into inventory and use the paste on the skeleton arm. Now use the sticky skeleton arm on the LANTERN to take it. Now that you’re back at the crypt screen go into inventory and use the lantern on Murray. Murray finally gets his opportunity to terrify mortals, and you get your ticket out of the crypt. It’s a win/win situation, and to make it even more so stop by Stan’s. Murray finds a very temporary home, and you can return to the hotel. Why not claim your benefits now? Because you need proof, and now that you’re a Goodsoup your death certificate is held with other family legal documents in the file cabinet. Return to the hotel and go into the back room to take the DEATH CERTIFICATE.

Before you press your legal claim, you need to find Millie an equally dead mate, especially one she likes. Go upstairs and use the crowbar on the boarded hole. Examine the gaping hole: it’s a straight shot to the cemetery. Now use the crowbar on the bed to catapult your skeletal friend to his dearest love. After the sequence you’ll be in the crypt. Take the RING and leave the crypt. After the sequence go into Stan’s and give the life insurance policy to him: you will give him the death certificate when he asks incredulously, and he will finally give you A LOT OF MONEY. Now return to the beach and ask the Flying Welshman to take you to Skull Island. Once you arrive you’ll eventually arrive at the top of the cliff. Ask the winch operator to lower you down the cliff. Oh dear, you’re falling an you can’t get up. After taking a bump or two on the head, go up to the top of the cliff again. This time you’ll be prepared. Despite LaFoot’s reassurances he’ll drop you again, so prepare to do the Mary Poppins maneuver. When he lowers you down and you’re falling, go into inventory and use the hand icon on the umbrella to use it. You’ll float down gracefully to the cave below. When talking to the smugglers get highlight your assets by saying you have SO much money. Be truthful about your name and make a deal to play a poker game. As expected your hand is lousy, so go into inventory and use the tarot cards on it: five of a kind! You’ll win the game, and narrowly escape. After a bit of sweet revenge you return to Blood Island. After seeing the LeChuck sequence you know time is of the essence, so head directly to the clearing. In inventory use the diamond on the ring, then the ring on Elaine.

*DIFFERENCES IN GAME MODES*

In the Regular Mode here are all the things that have been altered:

1. The Mirror in the lighthouse doesn’t need replacement
2. The dog biscuits are provided as more obvious way to get bitten by the dog
3. You don’t have to prove you look like a Goodsoup
4. The door of windmill isn’t locked
5. The door of the skeleton’s room isn’t closed or locked
6. The first drink you order always comes with umbrella
7. The jar of shaving cream easily opens

PART V: KISS OF THE SPIDER MONKEY

Take advantage of every dialogue option on LeChuck that you can, there’s some really funny stuff as well as some filling in of the cracks between the Monkey Island games. If you want to you can skip it, but for the full experience I’d recommend trying everything. When you’re left after being zapped, simply open the tram door to leave. When Guybrush enters the carnival he will mention that his head feels foggy, and he can’t think. Sounds like a job for Head-B-Clear. Now all we have to do is to find all three ingredients. The meringue in the pies contains eggs, so lets work on that first. Your Wharf Rat friend obviously won’t let you near the pies, and you can’t get over to where the mime is while he’s there, so let’s get rid of the mime. Go over to Dinghy Dog and ask him about the prizes. Have him guess your age and he will miss. However much you’re longing to take Murray, take the ANCHOR instead. Go into inventory and make a FAKE PIE: use the anchor on the pie pan, then the shaving cream on the pie pan. Use the fake pie on the pie stack: you’ll automatically ask Wharf Rat to shoot the cannon, and this will knock the mime out. Use the hand icon on the hole the mime looked through to have Wharf Rat pitch the pie at you. You now have the MERINGUE: one down, two to go. To get the HAIR OF THE DOG and have him bite you, go over to Dinghy Dog and push him 6 times. He’ll bite you, and you’ll grab the hair. To finish off the ingredients go over to the Snow Cone stand and take the PEPPER MILL. To put them together ask the soda jerk for a PLAIN SNOW CONE. Go into inventory immediately after you get it, and then use the pepper, meringue and dog hair on it. It looks awful, but eat it anyway.

*DIFFERENCES IN GAME MODES*

In the Regular Mode here are all the things that have been altered:

1. You only have to use anchor on stack of meringue pies to knock mime out

2. You only have to hit Dinghy Dog 3 times to get the hair of the dog that bites you

PART VI: GUYBRUSH KICKS BUTT ONCE AGAIN

Quickly click on the first arrow up to get up onto the 1st diorama (Herman Toothrot). Take the ROPE and then get into one of the cars. Click on the up arrow to the 2nd diorama (Rum Rogers) and take the KEG O’ RUM. Click on a passing car to exit. If LeChuck shows up at any time, don’t worry: Guybrush is too quick for him. If you miss an item the track is circular, so you can always come back for it. Use the up arrow on the 3rd diorama (Wally) and open the lantern, use the parrot icon to blow the fire on the flask of oil out, then take the FLASK OF OIL. Get into a passing car (if LeChuck doesn’t force you into one) and then click on the up arrow at the 4th diorama (Ice Monkey). Head up the path, then use the keg o’ rum on the Ice Monkey arm. In inventory use the flask of oil on the rope, then use the rope on the keg. Finally head back down the path with the pepper mill in hand. When LeChuck arrives simply use the pepper mill on him at your very first opportunity.

*DIFFERENCES IN GAME MODES*

In the Regular Mode here are all the things that have been altered:

1. The flask of oil is ready to take.

THE END

By the way, you might want to wait through the excruciatingly long credits to see another segment. The segment has been accused of being lame, and goodness knows everyone is grumpy after sitting through a listing of most of the world’s population. You’ve gotten this far, so why not wait and watch? At least you will have something useful to complain to other gamers about.